Scurrilous Ephemera Oct. 20 2009

– by Stephanie MacDonald

Very Important News from the Hard-Working Uterus Front: Octomom thinks Jon Gosselin is hot! Apparently, she told her paparazzi friends this the other day. Unfortunately, they may be her only friends, but hey, if Jon and his ex-wife’s plastic surgeon’s daughter don’t work out, maybe he and Octomom (aka Nadya Suleman) could hook up! They totally have lots in common; let’s see, they both have eight kids… Actually, I guess Nadya has 14, so they don’t really have that. But they are both kind of weird-looking and fame-whorey. And absurd (sorry, Gosselin kids, but your dad is absurd. There, I said it again). Think of the bustling house full of dysfunctional offspring shenanigans that could keep cameras rolling for decades… no, let’s not think of that. It should be pointed out that none of these children (as far as I know) are the result of sexual intercourse. But that doesn’t mean they can’t try for more, they would already be ahead of those striving Duggars.

Next time you’re on your way to stroll the beautiful beaches of charming Tofino on the west coast of Vancouver Island, be on the lookout for a vicious, slimy, bloodthirsty monster prowling for human flesh on the shores of Cameron Lake. His name is Cammy. Not my Uncle Cam, who can be scary, but who is a Campbell, not a Cameron. Cammy’s vicious, bloodthirsty and human flesh-hungry qualities have not been empirically confirmed, but describing him (or her) thus seems a bit more interesting than “Large Unidentified Thing Occasionally Picked up on Fishfinder.”

Salman Rushdie’s ex-girlfriend is describing the best-selling author as “cowardly, dysfunctional and immature” and who is still totally hung up on his ex-wife Padma Lakshmi. Without trying to come down on the side of the writer, here is some advice to any woman on the planet. Do not go out with anyone who has even been in the same room as Padma Lakshmi, okay? Yes, she has the annoying habit of gorgeous people who are always going on about how hard life is when you are so beautiful, I agree. But she may have a point; it could get annoying if by your sheer radiant exquisiteness you turn every talented novelist you meet into a dysfunctional, immature coward who will never get over you. Or maybe he was like that before and that’s why she dumped him.