Lady Gaga has been super busy lately! She has an incomprehensible, trashy, somehow-demeaning-to-both-sexes, completely awesome new video for “Bad Romance”,  she makes a memorable cameo in Beyonce’s irritating, not-safe-for-epileptics video for the very annoying song “Video Phone” and she’s been popping up everywhere from the American Music Awards to Jay Leno, where she managed a chillingly precise performance, a wardrobe malfunction, and afterwards answered the question everyone wants to know. “What’s the worst rumour you’ve heard about you?” “That I’m from Yonkers.” Let us all give a little American Thanksgiving for this woman (or… person or whatever).

Pete Doherty had to cancel a few concerts in Ireland last month, but he wants you irate Irish to know that it was for a good reason: he was inconveniently stuck on life support because of his flimsy little heart (that should be the title of his next album if he lives long enough to make one, no?). The exuberant and unrepentant self-medicater denies he overdosed on anything, and is actually starting to believe he was poisoned. Paranoia is a common symptom of crack and crystal meth addiction, but as they old saying goes, “just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean somebody isn’t out to get you.” But why anyone would bother is a mystery, since he’s doing a pretty bang-up job “medicating” himself into musical and existential oblivion already. Perhaps he thinks someone has been lacing his heroin with vitamins? Putting electrolytes in his vodka? Who knows. Anyways, get better Pete!

Kris Jenner, that magical goddess who managed to give birth to the three Kardashian angels, says she was “shocked” by her Khloe’s sudden engagement to Lamar Odum because “she’s the ugliest one!” Just kidding! She explains, “Khloe never brought a boy home to say hello, and in five minutes she was engaged and I had nine days to plan a wedding.” Poor lady had only nine days to plan a wedding for her insanely impetuous daughter to some basketball dude she had never met who had just abandoned his three kids with his former wife. Life is hard sometimes, but I guess being the voice of reason (ie. a good parent) is probably prohibited in a reality TV contract, as is rational decision-making, respectful interpersonal relationship-having and peaceful conflict resolution.

Just when the Paranormal Activity nightmares have begun to slightly subside, something worse comes along to rip you from your slumber in horror: gangs of violent baboons are going to take over the world. Yes, Cape Town is being terrorized by baboons who are breaking into cars (next stop: your house) looking for human food, according to reports. Monkeys are bad, they are not nice pets, they are most definitely not babies and they want to kill you.