The annoyingly perfect, classy and photogenic lifestyle of Tiger Woods has disintegrated with alarming velocity, even for those of us who normally revel in schadenfreude. Allegations of infidelity are suddenly multiplying, along with the payouts to possible friends-in-fornication, in an increasingly familiar situation. National Enquirer, if you want to pay me $100,000 to say I had a fling with Tiger, well of course I’ll tell you all about my (seriously, true!) fling with Tiger. Actually I can tell you about it for $299, I just saw the boots I’m longing for on sale. The harlot of the moment, Rachel Uchitel, is scoring the kind of money-can’t-buy-it publicity that will certainly propel her straight to reality TV stardom, along with Ashley Dupre (Elliott Spitzer’s hooker friend), those obnoxious White House Party Crashers, and Balloon Boy’s Family – all famous for incredibly dubious behavior. Of course the big question in the Woods debacle is whether or not his delicate wife Elin was actually intending to beat him to death with a driver. Though you kind of want to applaud her chutzpah (and don’t deny it!), this behavior falls firmly into the “People stop beating on your partners, it is so uncool” category, so let’s hope she really was just “acting courageously” aiding her beloved husband.

Rachel Uchitel.

Tenuous connections: there’s a new video of Marilyn Monroe smoking pot! Considering all of her other perilous proclivities – pills, excessive drinking, sleeping with presidents with mob ties, attempting suicide – this is as tame as lawn bowling, though it does make her seem even more cool than before, astoundingly. Lindsay Lohan, who also partakes in treacherous amounts of recreational substances, but who has notably more sordid taste in men, is now hanging out with John Mayer. This is to be expected I suppose, as part of her ongoing downhill spiral into Gia-like desolation and obscurity, but I still think Sam Ronson has the capacity to be LiLo’s Wonderwall (Oasis style!).

Suri Cruise is allowed to wear high heels. This has caused a whole bunch of busybodies with nothing better to do to worry about the state of young Suri’s arches. Seriously I could not imagine being a famous mother, when just walking down the street or going into a store as a normal person with a child causes unsolicited outbursts of judgement and parenting advice. So go on Suri and Katie, please ignore all the people whose mothers never let them wear lipstick until they were 18; they’re just jealous.