Well here we are again; Scurrilous Ephemera would like to apologize for the long hiatus, but as we know, banalities such as real life tend to encroach upon important activities such as navel gazing and OK! Magazine perusing. But fortunately, vapid, useless people continue to insist on being famous, thus giving Scurrilous Ephemera a reason to exist, and to derisively and ironically further these people’s quest to be known on and on into an inexorable death-spiral of pointlessness and frivolity that will one day consume the universe.

So. What is up with our favourite famewhores, trainwrecks and other random people that Guttersnipe readers want to know about?

Well Corey Haim and Brittany Murphy died and people thought it might be drugs in both cases and at least in Brittany’s case it was not. So that’s sad. Still not a good idea to do drugs kids, not like this is going to stop you. Druggie.

Kate Gosselin is on Dancing With the Stars and has done a bunch more weird things with her hair, all of which look better than the rabid possum look she’s sported in the past. And Jon Gosselin is doing absurd things like hanging around with Lindsay Lohan’s father’s lawyer. The children are in therapy because they miss being on TV so much, and Octomom’s been posing in bikinis. Of all career options open to women who have given birth to eight or more children at one time, bikini model is a strange choice. She did used to be a stripper, though, so this is a small step in the right direction.

Lindsay Lohan has been in Paris with black hair and looking like a 45-year-old former junkie who has transferred her addiction to eyeliner and self-tanner. But she has a boyfriend! Ungaro ended their horrendous collaboration, and then came out with another horrendous collection that had nothing to do with Lindsay, so her ability to design clothes remains unclear. Her ability to appear in public sober and wearing an appropriate amount of clothes is not in question.

Speidi! Good Lord, what did that girl do to her face. I remember when I was 15 I bleached my hair for a fashion show and my parents totally freaked out like I got a tattoo on my face or something; Heidi went and got a whole new weird face that actually makes her original face look stunningly beautiful by comparison. If that was her objective, she succeeded, and the rest of her looks like a low-rent Pamela Anderson. Spencer is, well Spencer. Gleefully vile and Mephistopholean as usual. One thing he is not: Heidi’s manager. Heidi has retained the services of a manager/psychic advisor to give her a leading edge in her business, whatever that is. If he is psychic, I don’t understand why he can’t tell her that in five years she will be a broken down old stripper working in a roadhouse or starring in a reality show with Heidi Fleiss and Daisy from Rock of Love. Actually that would be a great show: “Broken Down Old Stripper Roadhouse”. You’re welcome, TV executives!

The kids of Jersey Shore are going to Miami for another season of smushing and vomiting and being punched in the face. Yay! That’s enough fun and games for today, we’ll be back soon!