The greatest cultural phenomenon of our time has been sprouting enough tentacles to burrow into every orifice of your everyday existence, mushrooming into a worldwide obsession and appreciation of being orange, having pouffy hair, wearing shorty shorts, fellating pickles, vomiting, smushing, hot tubbing and consuming tequila and steroids. Jersey Shore is so educational and fascinating that other cultures are jealous, and understandably want to get in on the action (or lack thereof, due to massive steroid abuse). Soon you will be able to not only keep up with the Guido and Guidettes currently filming in Miami, but there will be a Latino version, a Russian version, and the best of all “The Persian Version” (that is what it’s called). Fire up that TiVo.

This is so blatantly famewhorey it’s hard to even write about, but because it is Lohan and Gosselin related, it is SE’s duty to comment, unfortunately. Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, is engaged to Kate Major, the tabloid reporter who quit her job to be with Jon Gosselin, but then was really upset to find out that he was cheating on her with Hailey Glassmann, who, as you know, hates the Nazi tattoos on Jesse James’ stripper chick, Bombshell McGee, and on and on into this black hole of existential meaninglessness.

Vivid Entertainment has offered to pay off Octomom’s house if she stars in a porn for them, and in other tortured uterus news, Hugh Hefner is not offering Kate Gosselin any money to go in Playboy, thankfully. Not because she’s not hot, but because in his opinion, “she’s not a celebrity.” Hugh keeps on living – he’ll be 84 on Friday. Happy Birthday you shriveled old pervert!