Because there is a real vacuum in the world of ear-mutilating and soul-destroyingly bad music since Heidi Montag and Kim Zolciak’s latest efforts, that archetype of class and talent, Tila Tequila, has blessed the world with her sophisticated, intelligent new song “I F*cked the DJ”. Seriously, though “Tardy for the Party” has the best title, nothing can beat Tila’s babbling, moaning and cursing the (undoubtedly true) title of her song for three minutes straight. Hopefully the DJ in question was Pauly D from Jersey Shore, and that his tender embraces have helped soothe the unimaginable pain the sensitive Tila is obviously feeling since her fiancée of two weeks, heiress Casey Johnson, died tragically (it seems so long ago!) and the crushing loss of at least two unconfirmed pregnancies, her alleged and unconfirmed assault by some football player, her failed adoption of some incredibly fortunate Russian toddler, and whatever. At least the dubious veracity of most of Tila’s assertions hasn’t reached her nascent musical career yet, though she could have been more truthful: she could have called the song “I F*cked Everybody”.

Now onto something serious – a disturbing trend in workplace sexual harassment! This is no snarking matter to normal people who do not work at Hooters (and even Hooters employees should be safe, of course), but Heidi Montag is now accusing one of the producers of The Hills of touching her inappropriately (at least she still has functioning nerve endings). This follows news that Jesse James paid $725,000 to Merilee Gerth for workplace harassment, including the suggestion that she gargle his bodily fluids to relieve her heart burn (eeeeeeeeew, gross! Sorry, it had to be said). And now Steven Seagal is in on the hot, inappropriate and illegal workplace action, but like, times ten – Seagal evidently has two full-time Russian hookers attending to his needs, but when one of them wasn’t around, he forcibly enlisted the services of his brand new, unwilling executive assistant, Kayden Nguyen, who is 23. First all the news was about famous entertainers being uncool by beating on each other, and now they’re being uncool by acting rape-y and/or groping unfamous people. Sheesh. People need new role models. Maybe sports stars! Uh, no. Politicians! Ha. Religious leaders? Oh no… we are in trouble here.