Preview–Official Twilight Convention

– by Julia Brown

As I am sure you are all keenly aware, the Official Twilight Convention is on this weekend in Vancouver, running May 14-16, 2010 at the Sheraton Wall Centre. Accordingly to the website, the schedule is jam-packed with events, including “special guest appearances” and the much-anticipated Saturday night Volturi Vampire Ball.

Now I know what you are thinking: isn’t this just some kind of blood-sucking promotional gig designed to rob tweens and tweens-at-heart of their hard-earned dollars? That’s why we here at Guttersnipe have done our research in order unearth some very interesting tidbits about the three-day event. So, without further ado, we present to you the 5 Things the Mainstream Media Will Not Tell You About the Official Twilight Convention:

1. Although the name of the movie is Twilight, many parts of the movie are set before and after twilight. In fact, there are many daylight scenes in the movie. This movie is not safe for photophobics.

2. Despite the heavy media saturation of the iconic Twilight move poster – which shows two hands (and arms up to the elbow) holding an apple – the movie is not about apples. It’s about vampires. And teen girls who love vampires. Clearly, in a desperate attempt to squeeze every last possible bit of revenue from the marketing of the Twilight franchise, the producers, studio execs, and/or Anne Rice, obviously gave in to the powerful Apple Lobby and, once again, we find artistic integrity sacrificed on the altar of capitalism.

3. Just when you think you have it all figured out – having peeled back the mask of the crass marketing juggernaut that is United Fruit – the betrayal is further compounded by the lies at the heart of the Twilight Saga. Nowhere in either Twilight “film” is the fact that vampires don’t exist mentioned. But they don’t – trust me – I looked it up on Wikipedia. Which brings us to the next hidden factoid…

4. The consequences of this deception about vampires are far reaching. Many of the folks I saw frolicking at the Wall Centre convention had the appearance of actually being vampires: pale skin, extra long incisors, black clothing, and so on. It wasn’t until after I had pounded a wooden stake through the heart of one of these “vampires”, and taken off the head with a shovel, that it occurred to me he really hadn’t put up much of a fight. Where, I wondered, was the supernatural strength, agility, etc. displayed by the vampires in the Twilight films? Enter Wikipedia. I picked up the iPhone dropped by the dead vampire, turned off the Justin Bieber music, and checked the web. No such thing as vampires. Ergo, the Twilight films are putting the lives of countless children playing dress-up in danger of execution.

5. Many Twilight fans are unable to control the spasms of excitement that sweep their bodies at the sight (or thought) of these “vampires” and “werewolves” cavorting about shirtless on the screen. As a result, they frequently pee themselves just a little bit. I’m not talking about having to wade through the river of pee that used to run through the stadiums when the Beatles took the stage, but rather just a trickle here and there. In large gatherings of Twi-hards, the risk of slipping on a moist patch on the floor is considerable. So where does a tween get the money to settle their slip-and-fall claims? They don’t. They don’t have jobs, and proving causation is next to impossible. It’s not like you can dust the mixture of pee to see who’s responsible. Any competent defence lawyer would have her way with that kind of evidence. So the victims are forced to leave work (which reduces productivity) and rely on government benefits until they heal. So now you know why the economy is so bad and taxes are through the roof.

Of course there is more that lies beneath the surface than this little peek behind the curtain (mixed metaphor aside), but we don’t actually want to get sued here.

Official Twilight Convention website