As we all know, life can be confusing, and human beings necessarily navigate many nebulous metaphysical quandaries in their journey towards the great unknown. Oceans of ink have been spilled on the subject of the nature of reality, from Plato’s dual worlds of ideals and perception, to Aristotle’s pragmatic empiricism – it kind of makes you want to just give up thinking and become religious. Anyho! Just considering the new semantics of the word “reality” as it relates to our culture today. What is “unreality television”, when we’re supposed to accept that The Hills, Survivor, The Biggest Loser et al are “reality television”? When Law and Order lifts plotlines from headlines, and producers fandangle every aspect of the lives of their real-life characters, which one becomes more real? Sounds like an undergraduate thesis, no?

So instead of looking at what is happening with our favorite pop culture denizens, let’s look at what they are not doing and see if we can come any closer to the truth, whatever the hell that is.

Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina, is not thinking rationally. When she tried to get another free ice cream cake from an ice cream store that had given Lindsay a free ice cream card because she is a celebrity, the store refused to accept the card and asked for payment, because, well, Dina is not Lindsay. Dina freaked out and the police were called whereby she began screaming to the assembled paparazzi “Look, see? We’re treated worse than everybody else!” Okay? Lindsay and Amy Winehouse are both still not drinking, Lindsay because of the SCRAM bracelet and Amy because she’s in love… with some dude who is not a junkie deadbeat for once.

Spencer and Heidi are still not together! Presumably it is because they are not making any money for appearing together, so Heidi is not having an affair with Spencer’s friend, and the tabloids unbelievably are not paying the $100,000 Speidi want for the full story of this unscandal. Heidi is not making any recognizable human expressions, so we do not know how this makes her feel. No one gives a crap how Spencer feels.

Sadly, Gary Coleman is not having a funeral because of the controversy surrounding his death and will situation. Friends recently found a document saying if he was in the situation he found himself in in the hospital he did not want the plug pulled, but the woman he was not married to at the time did not heed those wishes obviously, and was thus not invited to his cremation, and is not happy about it.

Megan Fox did not recently get engaged because she did not ever get unengaged from the last time. She also did not lose the two-karat not-engagement ring in the sand as reported.

Though I don’t think we’re any closer to the meaning of truth or reality, because it’s the weekend, let’s end on the positive: Harrison Ford and Callista Flockhart, a lovely old-timey couple from the days of yore, last weekend tied the knot. Cheers.