Denise Richards and Richie Sambora
– by Stephanie MacDonald
There must have been some huge shift in the universe somewhere that can only adequately be explained by Douglas Adams or Kurt Vonnegut Jr. because Scurrilous Ephemera today is all perky and sunshine-y and not all nihilistic and existentially gloomy as usual. Except that both Douglas Adams and Kurt Vonnegut are geniuses of literature, and they are dead, and instead of enlightening treatises on possibilities the miraculous universe holds in store, we have the Kardashians and Speidi and Jersey Shore. No wait! This is a happy SE! Happy happy happiness!
Love is such a happy thing, and there are a lot of famous people afflicted. Denise Richards and Richie Sambora are back in love after they fell out of love from the time that Denise stole Richie away from her friend Heather Locklear after she found her husband Charlie Sheen cheating on her with about 500 nasty hookers while she was pregnant. Alanis Morissette got married to a very flaky rapper named SoulEye. Mazel tov!
Even professional lonely/betrayed person Jennifer Aniston is getting some love in the form of 30 Rock actor Jason Sudeikis, who is cute. Snooki isn’t in love, but she wants to be. She is quoted as saying, “I want to save up money so I can buy a house, find a guy, have a family and make guido babies. That’s all I want.” Awww… She has also been seen out partying with her new BFFs, Paris and Nicky Hilton, so maybe they can set her up with a bodyguard or something.
In case you were worried, Lindsay Lohan is doing okay, and hasn’t been drinking, despite her SCRAM bracelet going off every five minutes. Evidently even wearing perfume can set that temperamental little thing off. Who could go a whole day without perfume? It would be like a day without a martini! Oh wait… Anyways, at some awards ceremony poor Lindsay was being stalked by the incredibly creepy Dr. Drew, but she managed to avoid him and his trainwreck life-destroying show, and is considering doing Celebrity Apprentice instead, with “personal friend” Donald Trump. She is obviously very resourceful and clever when it comes to finding ways to avoid the law and ingest recreational substances – maybe she can put that ingenuity to work for Trump.
The 'incredibly creepy' Dr. Drew.
Sigh. The world is such a loving and meaningful place! Really. Now have a fantastic weekend, as there’s lots of wretched people doing abominable things for attention, and it’s Scurrilous Ephemera’s job to make sure this self-perpetuating vortex of desperation, voyeurism, boredom and loathing goes on into infinity, but that can wait until next week. Until then I suggest you go re-read The Sirens of Titan or The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
