The unabashedly pervy gossip for today:

The really annoying thing about this whole Charlie Sheen debacle is that it’s so comically depraved it somehow manages to unconsciously transform a professionally sarcastic and blasé scurrilous ephemerist into some weird pearl-clutcher muttering under her breath “Won’t somebody think of the children!” You know when you agree with the odious Denise Richards about anything, there’s something seriously wrong. But, the guy just wants a mansion filled with porn stars to babysit his children while he plows through snowdrift-sized piles of coke, okay? Questions: why is everyone who has sex on film a “porn star”? Are they all stars really? And since they were actually being paid in this circumstance for off-camera sex, wouldn’t it be more accurate to call them prostitutes? Is a cokey mansion full of babysitting hookers somehow less classy?

While we’re on the always-popular topic of klass, it was very interesting to hear what Kim Kardashian (always K-Kar in our hearts) has to say about the burgeoning “Teen Mom” phenomenon. Presumably jealous that these young and fertile whippersnappers are stealing her magazine covers, Kim went on her blog to tell young girls that teen moms are not role models. She is a role model because she is a businesswoman. A businesswoman whose business is her large buttocks and perpetuating the fame that she resourcefully found while being urinated on in a video. But she did not get pregnant, whew!

That’s all Scurrilous Ephemera for today, we have to ease into these things.