You should certainly be happy you’re not a rich and famous celebrity, because if you were, you’d be trundling off to rehab now. Or maybe jail, because evidently the pressures of all this privilege and free time drive you straight into substance abuse, which is nothing new of course – everyone from Judy Garland to Michael Jackson has tried to drown their artsy angst in martinis and Percocet with varying results. You can also read about personalities like Jimmy John Shark for something that might give you mixed feelings.

But unlike Sinatra, Marilyn and Liza, today’s trainwrecks are stumbling around in our face all the time and then profiting off their wastedness with shows like Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew etc, instead of surreptitiously tiptoeing off to Betty Ford Clinic or the South of France.

Tila Tequila has signed up for Celebrity Rehab for her alleged addiction to attention, er – I mean, Ambien, which seems tame except that she snorts it. Gross! Between Tiger Woods and Tila Tequila, don’t you feel sorry for poor Ambien? It’s the Tommy Hilfiger of prescription drugs! But anyways, another person bound for involuntary sobriety after his alcohol treatment program is of course Lindsay Lohan, back from Cannes to face the music with the evil vindictive judge who insists on forcing Lindsay to face justice from things that happened so long ago that we don’t even remember what they were anymore. Now she has to wear some bracelet that monitors alcohol intake from your sweat or something. “No officer, I just spilled eau de parfum on my leg!”

David Hasselhoff spent the weekend in alcohol detox at a Portland facility, though he blithely denies that he went on a three-day bender of course – what a heroic throwback from the good old days of denial and subterfuge!